Grief and infertility...

From my experience discovering that you have fertility issues is like going through the 5 stages of grief. First you are totally in denial and are certain that at the end of those first months you will be pregnant only to be devastated because you were just so sure nothing is wrong. Then you get angry, at others, at yourself (especially at yourself). I felt moments of actual rage when I just felt like I could rip a piece of my skin off because I was so furious with myself. Then there is the bargaining. "I'll promise that I'll adopt a child in need, after I have a healthy child of my own." And then there is my personal favorite, the depression. We got stuck in that stage for a little while, and I really think that this blogging help bring me out of it and once I was out I was able to help pull out my husband. Thinking back on that time it just makes me feel so heavy and I do not want to revisit that stage, which is what I'm afraid may happen at the end of this next month.

Each month we get closer and closer to the 12th month mark (which is September) and at that point we are deemed infertile as a couple by our doctors. If in September we have not gotten pregnant, I truly believe that this year will have been a process in which we grieved the loss of our ability to have children and will at that point hopefully be able to move on from that loss.