My existential crisis...

Lately I find myself having a bit of an existential crisis. I know what I don't want to do, but I have no idea what I do want to do. I don't want to work in an office with set hours, I don't want to work full time, I don't want to have a ton of responsibility, I don't want to do something menial, I don't want to work on something I don't care about...don't don't don't! There are just so many negatives about the next step that I want to take in life and let's face it that is because my life is not panning out as I thought it would. I just assumed that I would be given the gift of a child whenever I was ready for it, so I opted out of having a career, instead working as a nanny, preparing myself for my next role as mother. Now, I'm 28 with no real work experience and no real prospects of becoming a mother on my horizon.

I feel like I'm back at square one, and I wasted the past 10 years of my life. I am not an extraordinarily driven person, but I am intelligent so I do believe that I could have made a good run at a career. I didn't really know what I career I wanted to pursue in college, so I picked a program that I was good at and went from there. I ended up with a BA in English and media but still didn't know what I wanted to do, so I ended up a nanny. Now, the one thing that I always knew I wanted for myself is eluding me and I am having a hard time coming up with other options for myself.

It doesn't help that my mother is worried about me and is always trying to get me to talk about what I want out of life with her. She is worried that I won't find something that I can find fulfillment in. I know that I am enjoying writing this blog though, it makes me feel good and smart and like a real writer. I think that I do find fulfillment in this blog, and the fact that people actually read it. I wish I could say to my mom, "See?! I'm fine! I write a blog and people read it!!!" But since we aren't ready to disclose our fertility struggle right now, I definitely can't tell her about my blog that is all about it but then again isn't that what doing something for yourself is all about? Nobody but me needs to know. Well, nobody but me and all of you out there in cyberspace!