She's baaaack...

As day 38 of my cycle begins, I have finally gotten my period, and right in time to ruin my whole weekend! I'm going to get my nails done later on today to make myself feel good, it is so silly but I really thought that I was pregnant, again. Every month the same thing happens, but this time I was fine with it. I'm mostly just bummed out that I'm not carrying our dog who just passed reincarnated into our baby. Weird and kind of gross I know, but we really loved this dog!

Now, I'm just worried about cramps and how they'll put my plans on hold once again. As if I don't suffer enough by simply not being pregnant every month, my medieval torture chamber-esque cramps just add insult to injury. I'm going to go for a run right after I am done writing this post in hopes of keeping the cramps manageable. Exercise definitely helps lessen them, and I've been pretty good at keeping up with my exercise this week even though I kept worrying that I was pregnant and I was doing too much the whole time! But I'm glad I followed my rules and I didn't act like I was pregnant. I exercised, had a pina coloda on Monday at a barbecue, and didn't over eat, and finding my period this morning didn't have the earth shattering impact that it has in months past. So, I'm getting used to this, I'm growing and learning how to handle this struggle, and I'm feeling proud of myself today. Now I've just got to keep my spirits up in the coming weeks, because it is going to get a little crazy 'round here! Clomid challenge test here I come!!!

The best laid plans...

It is the morning of day 37 and still no period. I know it is coming, I can feel it, and I've got all the usual signs. This month is just like every other month, but now that I can't wait to get it, my period is being coy! I am actually starting to get a little angry because all of my plans for the weekend are about to go horribly wrong. Not only am I super anxious to start all this testing after my period has come and gone, we have a trip to the beach with my husband's best friend, his wife and their kids planned for this weekend. And now, there is just no way I can avoid having cramps all weekend. I was hoping that I'd get my period yesterday, so I could be at the point where my cramps are manageable through only acetaminophen by Saturday and I wouldn't need to be strapped to my heating pad all weekend.

No such luck. I'll get my period today or tomorrow, feel like crap and then my cramps will be in full force Saturday and Sunday. How am I supposed to explain, without being horribly embarrassed, that I can't go to the beach because I have to stay back at the house with my heating pad? I already know that I'm not going to be able to get adequate heating pad time in a house full of non-family members so I'm going to be cranky and snappy as all get out. I can hear my husband jumping for joy at the prospect of being with me, sans heating pad, all weekend. I can picture just how this weekend is going to go and it is the opposite of the fun, relaxing, bike riding trip to the beach that I had planned. I just don't get why I can't even have one fun weekend away without there being some stupid thing going on in my body?! I should not have to consult my period before going away for the weekend! It isn't even like I could have planned around it, it is so irregular anyway. I am just feeling like I cannot win today.

The hope never dies...

I've made it to day 36 and still have not gotten my period, of course it is early in the day yet. This is so bittersweet because even though I'm excited to get my period and get the ball rolling, I'm having a longer cycle so I'm starting to get hopeful that I could be pregnant. It hasn't become a big possibility in my head yet, but I'm slowly starting to ramp up to the danger zone of, "I must be pregnant!" I really need to keep myself out of that danger zone though, that is what makes me so upset when my period finally rears its ugly head. Every month I'm always so certain that I'm pregnant but I'm not and I think if I can cut out that certainty I'd be able to handle the let down much better.

Let's face it, no matter what you tell yourself in your own head, getting your period is still a let down. It's a bummer even if you don't want to be pregnant, nobody likes to get their period. But even though I'm getting all the period warning signs and I know that we need assisted fertility treatments, I still feel like it could be our lucky month. Why does my brain do this to me?! Why am I completely incapable of thinking rationally in this one area? It makes no sense, I can tell myself whatever I want but it makes no difference, that little glimmer of hope is there every month in the days before I get my period. It never fails, that shiny little glimmer of hope but the truth make me wish I could just squish it down and forget about it.

My cycle days...

Because I know that you all care and want to know, today is day 35 of my cycle. Which means that most women probably would have had their period by now, but nope, not me! My cycle goes anywhere from 33 to 40 days with no rhyme or reason. I would say that it may just be very in tune to my stress level, but it wouldn't matter anyway because my stress level is nonexistent. Most of the discrepancies lie in the number of days before I ovulate, but lots of times the days after I ovulate change as well. There is just nothing constant from month to month except my cramps. Those babies show up religiously.

By Sunday my period will be here in all its crampy glory so I'm planning a mani/pedi for myself to take the edge off on Friday. That way I don't have to worry about cramps during the actual nail doing. I'm getting excited for our testing to start, we should be ready to go in about a week and a half! I'm a little nervous about passing the clomid challenge, no viable eggs changes the whole game, but I'm optimistic. Let the countdown to test day begin! (If I only knew what day I'd get my period and how long it would last, we could do an actual countdown!)

My existential crisis...

Lately I find myself having a bit of an existential crisis. I know what I don't want to do, but I have no idea what I do want to do. I don't want to work in an office with set hours, I don't want to work full time, I don't want to have a ton of responsibility, I don't want to do something menial, I don't want to work on something I don't care about...don't don't don't! There are just so many negatives about the next step that I want to take in life and let's face it that is because my life is not panning out as I thought it would. I just assumed that I would be given the gift of a child whenever I was ready for it, so I opted out of having a career, instead working as a nanny, preparing myself for my next role as mother. Now, I'm 28 with no real work experience and no real prospects of becoming a mother on my horizon.

I feel like I'm back at square one, and I wasted the past 10 years of my life. I am not an extraordinarily driven person, but I am intelligent so I do believe that I could have made a good run at a career. I didn't really know what I career I wanted to pursue in college, so I picked a program that I was good at and went from there. I ended up with a BA in English and media but still didn't know what I wanted to do, so I ended up a nanny. Now, the one thing that I always knew I wanted for myself is eluding me and I am having a hard time coming up with other options for myself.

It doesn't help that my mother is worried about me and is always trying to get me to talk about what I want out of life with her. She is worried that I won't find something that I can find fulfillment in. I know that I am enjoying writing this blog though, it makes me feel good and smart and like a real writer. I think that I do find fulfillment in this blog, and the fact that people actually read it. I wish I could say to my mom, "See?! I'm fine! I write a blog and people read it!!!" But since we aren't ready to disclose our fertility struggle right now, I definitely can't tell her about my blog that is all about it but then again isn't that what doing something for yourself is all about? Nobody but me needs to know. Well, nobody but me and all of you out there in cyberspace!

Miracles of modern science...

I do wonder sometimes if my husband and I weren't meant to get pregnant and that is why we are having fertility problems. I wonder if nature or god simply didn't intend for us to procreate, either to help keep the population in check or because our genes would not create a good human, or just because. I wonder if by doing the fertility treatments we are going against the master plan in place for us.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that struggling with fertility is part of the master plan for us. In today's world, technology is so advanced and doing things like IUI and IVF has become so commonplace and so widely accepted (except maybe by the Catholic church) that I cannot imagine we would be going against nature by using the tools that are available to us to get what we want most out of life. Plus, if having kids isn't in the cards for us then the IUI and potentially the IVF wouldn't work. Maybe there is just something for us to learn here. Hopefully it is good things come to those who wait and not you don't always get what you want...

But we had a plan...

Since there is no good way to start off this post, I'm just going to jump right in with the bad news. Yesterday our dog died. She was about to turn 11 in August and had a slew of things wrong with her, but most recently a bad case of lymphoma, so we made the decision to put her down. I can say with conviction that my wedding day was the absolute best day of my life, and that yesterday was the absolute worst. I thought that we were prepared, we had talked and talked and agonized over the decision and we agreed that we didn't want her to suffer. Our vet even reinforced to us that we were doing the right thing, but even with all that we were a total mess yesterday. Both of us could not stop tearing up every 5 minutes and now we are just running on auto pilot.

I just keep thinking, "BUT WE HAD A PLAN!?" How could I possibly be so upset when we had a plan in place? I knew exactly what was going to happen, and it didn't make one bit of difference. Suddenly, I have a not so sunny outlook on us getting pregnant. I'm still confident in our plan, I'm just much less confident that I'll be able to handle the emotional side of it. I was so sure that if we didn't get pregnant the first month of assisted fertility I would be fine and we'd just keep on truckin' because that was the plan. But now, I have firsthand knowledge of when the plan goes as planned and you still feel like crap because the expected outcome, though expected, still sucks. Well, I guess at least now I know that if our first month is a bust I'll be a mess, so no surprises. I suppose the only surprise at this point would be me getting pregnant. I'm laughing, but it's funny sad, not funny ha-ha.

The two weeks of emotion...

For all of you women out there who are trying to have a baby, you know all about the two week wait. I swear this may be the worst one that I've ever had! This time I am excited to get my period so that we can look around my uterus and see exactly what is going on in there. Usually, I have a lump in the pit of my stomach the entire two weeks, there is a little hope but I always have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. This time it is different, I am waiting for something that I know is going to happen. There is no anxiety attached to not knowing whether or not I'm getting my period, I know that it is coming and I'm looking forward to it like I did my wedding day!

It is just funny how much emotion a person can attach to an event or an object. I guess that is a part of what makes us human, but sometimes I just wish I could shut my emotions off. They can get the best of me and totally carry me away, and I often get really angry at myself for feeling so strongly about inconsequential things. I used to think that my hormones played a large roll in why I can be so emotional, but after a conversation with my husband (who believes that they have nothing to do with my emotions as he has yet to see a pattern emerge) I think that they just amplify emotions that are already extremely close to the surface. I think my monthly changing hormone levels make it so that I simply have less control of my emotions. I can absolutely control them most of the time during the month, but it takes a conscious effort, when I have PMS I just don't have a chance in hell of checking my emotions at the door. I just wish I could be different, not so emotional, and more stoic. But hey, this must be what makes me so fun and exciting!?

There is always something...

Last night my mom and dad came over for dinner while I was babysitting my cousin's baby so that she could go to a wedding while her parents were out of town. We actually had a great time. My parents absolutely adore this baby, he is really ridiculously cute and for the most part he's a pretty easy baby to take care of. But I was happy because I was finally able to enjoy my cousin's child without feelings of jealousy and just plain old self pity. It is so strange, but it is like a switch was flipped in our doctor's office. Although, lately I have been having crazy mood swings which usually means I'm due for my period in about two weeks but even that doesn't seem to be bothering me. It unfortunately is bothering my husband, who is claiming that I've been crazier than usual, which honestly I'm finding quite hard to believe as I can be extremely crazy. All in all, the general tone remains happy, so I'm psyched!

Of course my mother couldn't leave the house last night without insisting that she knew I was going to be pregnant this month. How she knew it was a mystery to everyone else, but I have a feeling that it was because she spied my bottle of folic acid (that I take during every two week wait) that I accidentally left out on the counter. It was a crazy night, with dinner and a baby and parents, so I forgot to hide it away! Big mistake! I told her not to be disappointed when I'm not pregnant, that it would have been the immaculate conception because we are not trying and that we are using birth control, but she wasn't sold. She saw the folic acid and she thinks she knows that I'm pregnant and waiting the requisite 3 months or so to make the announcement. I'm just praying at this point she doesn't start telling people, which would be SO my mother. There is always something that prevents a day from going by without any infertility drama.

I'm making a new rule...

The comment on my last post from the fabulous KB got me thinking and I have decided to implement a new rule. For the day that my period is due, I'm going to plan something special to do. That way I have something good to look forward to and hopefully it'll take the edge off getting my period again. My period is pretty irregular but with the doctors helping now and being able to pinpoint when I ovulate much better, I should finally be able to have a reliable estimated start date. I can't plan to do something special after I get my period because my wonderful cramps make it so that I can't do anything for 3 days. But if I can't reward myself for getting my period, I can at least distract myself on the day I should be getting it.

I'm not talking about doing anything huge, but not too small either. I'm thinking things along the lines of getting a mani/pedi, a mini shopping spree, or dinner out at my favorite restaurant in the city with my hubby. It has to be something that I don't do very often but doesn't cost too much money so that I can afford to do it once a month! I think that having a nice distraction on the day that I'm frantically checking my panty liner for a drop of blood every 2 seconds should at the very least make the day go faster and keep me upbeat if I get my period. Right now I'm already looking forward to planning a special treat for myself on Saturday July 31st, and I'm excited to have to come up with new things to do for myself once a month! I think that I'll start with a mani/pedi and a fatty little Auntie Anne's soft pretzel from the mall. Oh crap, now all I can think about is that darn pretzel! Hey! Distraction accomplished!

Silly superstitions...

I've started to act like a major league baseball player lately. You know how superstitious those wackos are, with all their weird rituals before stepping up to bat, notorious for not washing underwear or shaving during a a good streak, well now you can add me to the wacko pile. Every time I go to do to something, in my head I'll say if I do the right thing then I'll get pregnant. If I'm generous and kind to others then I'll have a better shot at having a baby. I'm acting like a kid who thinks that Santa is watching and she won't get any presents if she isn't a good little girl. Obviously the world doesn't work this way, I know way too many beotches with babies!

This is just the strangest two week wait that I've ever had because I'm finally not expecting to be pregnant. I want my period to get here so that we can start with our testing and treatments but I keep psyching myself up for a miracle. I'm finally not having the, "I could be pregnant, no no, I'm probably not, but I feel like maybe I'm pregnant, no no, that was just gas, but I really think I am this time," conversation running through my head 24 hours a day. Instead I seem to be trying to talk myself into believing that the impossible is possible, that I could just find myself pregnant after not trying. We've been charting and OPK'ing and checking cervical mucus out the wazoo, what are the odds if we couldn't get pregnant during all that then we would once we stopped? I'll tell you, slim to none, yet the eternal optimist voice in my head is still there peeping in every so often that it could happen. Well, one thing is certain that voice is the lesser of the two evils and I'm enjoying this break from the 24-7 maybe I'm pregnant convo even if I'm acting like a kid at Christmastime. Reminding myself from time to time that it could happen probably isn't the worst thing in the world and if it doesn't I still have the tests and treatments to look forward to. Finally, a win - win!

Black holes of happiness...

I was just talking to my husband about having nothing to write on my blog this morning because I've run out of things to complain about since I've been little miss happy clam lately, and he said, "well you can blog about happy things too." And my immediate response was that I didn't want to be over here tooting about how good I feel lately while other people aren't feeling the same way, and he answered back, "Well you aren't all sentenced to a life of misery!" And then I just thought, my god, you are so right!

I think that as soon as women begin to experience fertility issues they take all the blame and shame upon themselves and become like a black hole, just sucking up all that responsibility and bad feelings about it, creating an atmosphere in which it is impossible to be happy. I know I was doing it, it is really hard not to take full responsibility and throw yourself into fixing the problem, ignoring all your other emotions. Once you realize that you're doing it, it is harder still to stop because that means letting go. You have to let go of that responsibility and pass it to someone else to hold for little bit while you relax. I gave mine over to my doctor to hang onto, and you know I've been feeling fantastic lately. If we go through a few months of assisted fertility and we're still unsuccessful I'll have to make a conscious effort not to collapse in on myself and become a black hole again but I'm hoping I can do it. This may sound silly, but sometimes I think it is easier for me to be angry and nasty than happy and positive. My poor husband didn't give me the nickname "Doom and Gloom" for nothing, I earned that title! Well, those days are over! I'm working on acquiring a new nickname, "So Happy and Positive it is Annoying to All Around Her," and I think it is so far so good! :)

Funny, I used to find those little smiley faces just so annoying...

I dreamed a dream...

So the other morning I had the most amazing dream. I dreamed that I was taking my two newborn twin boys to a check-up at the doctor's office and then the doctor suddenly turned to me and said, "You're pregnant again!" We did an ultrasound and sure enough there was a little baby girl in there! It was a little farfetched, I highly doubt that twins are in my future or that a doctor can tell someone is pregnant just by looking at them or that you can even get pregnant directly after giving birth, but I don't care I loved it! I was holding both of the twins and looking down at their little heads (I couldn't see their faces, but I tried) and I just got this rush of pride and that was shortly followed by love and joy in enormous quantities.

Now, I think one of two things happened, either I have reached a new level of crazy or my brain is doing things to help get its body through a difficult situation. When I woke up, I felt glorious. I wasn't even a hint sad or upset because I had a taste of what it might be like to have a baby and that was enough to keep me going, so I'm going to go with my brain is helping me out a little here. I do know that often people have pregnancy dreams when something big in their life is coming to fruition, at the end of a huge project they had been working on, or embarking on something life changing...any kind of thing that could be equated to giving birth. I think of an artist completing a masterpiece after months of work, and I can totally relate that to someone giving birth. While I haven't completed any masterpieces lately, I am finding myself feeling much differently now that we've seen our doctor. So maybe my brain is just showing me how I feel so I can keep this feeling going, which is like the pregnancy train has finally pulled out of the station! We boarded this darn train MONTHS ago and we've jut been sitting here waiting for our conductor, now he's finally arrived and now we're off to destination pregnancy!

I've passed the torch...

It has been so nice and stress free around our household ever since we went to the fertility specialists. I have been able to completely let go of all the stress and tension I had been holding on to about not being able to get pregnant because I guess I let go being able to do it naturally. It was difficult, especially in the past month or so because it turned out that I was the one with the fertility problem but ever since we went to the doctor I haven't been worried. I've stopped taking my basal temperature and using the OPK's and we are just going with the flow and are no longer timing sex.

I don't know if it is right for me to just totally dump getting me pregnant in my doctor's lap but it has certainly made it a lot easier for me to cope lately. I think I have just finally allowed myself to acknowledge that we need help instead of beating myself up every month for a fertility problem that is totally out of my control. Our doctor just kind of swooped in and took the reins and by doing that he took all of the control away from us which simultaneously took all the pressure off of us. Now I realize that I am more than happy to give up the control of all this infertility nonsense and sit back and relax while somebody else does all the work and the worrying for me. It may be wrong to have so much blind faith in our doctor, and it may come back to bite me later but right now I am feeling relaxed and happy and I'm not giving that up just yet.

Why I can't wait to get my period...

Now that we are on the move with our plan, I cannot wait for my next two periods to be over! Who ever would have thought that I would find myself looking forward to my periods?! It is just so great to be excited about something again and I am really looking forward to finally knowing if there is something wrong. Most importantly I am finally looking forward to getting pregnant again. I had just gotten so disheartened about the whole situation that I even stopped thinking about the fun stuff, like baby names, and dreaming about who the baby would look like and stuff like that.

Plus, since I have finally been given the diagnoses of dysmenorrhea (which just means that I get enough pain during my periods to limit my normal activity, a fancy way of saying that I get cramps from hell if you will) I also kind of feel vindicated. I have been complaining to my OB/GYN for the past 8 years and I always get the same answer. Painful cramps are normal, chunky periods are normal, blah blah blah. I would just leave my annual visit and tell myself that everything was fine and then the next period I got being fine flew out the window. There is no way that the pain I feel every month could be considered normal. Other than a having a baby with my husband, there is nothing that I would love more than not having to put my life on hold to sit with a heating pad for 72 hours straight once a month! Hopefully by doing all the testing we'll be able to figure out if there is a reason why my periods are so darn painful and then remedy the problem. Even if I can't get rid of them, if I could just get pregnant those 9 months and then the time I'd hopefully spend breastfeeding would give me such a wonderful break. My dream in life is to have a baby, stop having cramps forever and win the lottery, and in that order. Of course if we could just have a baby, I could care less about the cramps and the lottery.

Our plan of attack...

Like I said before, we are a team with a plan now and I thought I'd share our initial plan with you. First things first, we figure out if I am actually ovulating. We did the trans-vaginal ultrasound and saw no ripe follicles ready to pop out an egg and the subsequent blood test confirmed that I not ovulated yet so I go in on Friday for another blood test. Basically we do blood tests until we can confirm a change in hormones indicating ovulation.

After that, everything is kind of put on hold until my next cycle. The next three tests we'll do need to be done after the start of my next period. First up is the clomid challenge test (CCCT). That entails taking clomid orally and monitoring my hormone levels to determine my ovarian reserve, or the quality of the eggs that I have left. This test will enable us to identify whether or not my eggs are good enough to be fertilized by my husband's super sperm. If I flunk this one we will most likely turn to the alternatives at that point: adoption, using an egg donor or giving up entirely. Needless to say, that test is freaking me out.

If I pass, we move on to the next tests. The hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and the hysteroscopy. They are both super fun and you guys are going to be so jealous and you'll all want to have them done. The HSG involves filling me with a special dye that should end up filling my entire uterus and fallopian tubes. If it does not, that will indicate a blockage and we move on from there to either unblock it or work around it (IVF). The hysteroscopy involves filling me with sterile salt water and then sticking a tiny little telescope up there to visualize my uterus so they can detect any scar tissue, polyps, fibroids or any other abnormalities. Along with the hysteroscopy they'll take an endometrial biopsy to rule out an infection or inflammation of my uterine lining.

After those three tests are preformed, we'll take the information we've gleaned from them and move on from there. It's onward and upward if I can just pass the CCCT! I think we can still try this month, but next month (the month of trying to see how many liquids they can fill up my uterus up with) will be out. This means that the next two periods I get won't be wrought with anguish over yet another wasted cycle with no pregnancy because I'm not doing anything differently yet! I've got a free pass on the agony for the next two months and I am just one happy camper!

Insurance abusers...

We are beginning to suspect that my OB/GYN may have been a bit of an insurance abuser. When we saw our new doctor yesterday, he looked at the results of the semen analysis and saw that we went to the urologist and he looked at us and said, "Your OB sent you to the urologist? Did he kick you out of his office when you got there?!" Because the sample's numbers, across the board, were really good and the sperm count itself was ridiculously high, we never should have gone to see the urologist as there was no concern of male infertility. But the urologist actually ordered a second semen analysis along with a test (that is NOT covered by our insurance) to see whether or not my husband's swimmers could penetrate through a hamster's eggs. I did a little digging on the hamster egg test and it is pretty controversial. For one thing a lot of doctors don't think that the results really mean anything but more importantly they kill the hamster that they get the eggs from!

Now, it is a long shot that my OB was doing that just so the urology practice could charge our insurance company, but the two practices are affiliated so we were being cynical and thinking that maybe they do a little "referring" of patients to each other's practices for doctor visits and tests that are completely unnecessary just so they can make the extra bucks. Talk about a conspiracy theory! What is more likely is that my OB was just busy with her practice and other patients and didn't feel like making the time to think about what might be going on with us so she passed me off to the fertility specialist and my husband off to the urologist. She was completely right in sending me to the specialists, but she was completely wrong in sending my husband.

Faster and easier for my OB? Yes. Ethical? Probably not so much. However, after yesterday's appointment with our new doctor I'm feeling pretty confident in his and his practice's ethics. I don't think they are out to waste our time and money just so that they can turn a profit, the profit is just an added benefit. I just finally feel like someone has our best interest in mind.

Oh, what a beautiful morning...

What a day! What a relief! I could not have imagined going to see our reproductive endocrinologist turning out any better! It was seriously amazing. We got there and we met with our doctor and he talked to us about everything, starting at the very beginning. We started out with how babies are made, literally, and went on from there. Then he took an extremely precise medical history from both of us and then we began to discuss what our potential problems may be.

He told us that my husband has a sperm count and quality good enough to populate the entire continent of Africa which made us laugh and instantly feel more comfortable, especially my husband as he can now officially relax and no longer worry that he's got any issues whatsoever. We really already knew that but it was still nice to get a confirmation.

Once we got the male infertility off the table we moved on to me and began talking about my cycles and how they are long, somewhat irregular, painful and etc. Then the most amazing thing happened, our doctor asked me when the first day of my last period was and I said, "June 23rd," and he said, "Oh good you are on day 14 so you should be ovulating, let's do an ultrasound and see." Then he jumps up and says, "No time like the present!" We walked across the hall and he did a trans-vaginal ultrasound and saw that I didn't have any follicles ready to pop an egg and either I had already ovulated or I will soon. Then he sent me across the hall again to have some blood work done to confirm whether or not I had ovulated. Everything was done right then and there! No prescriptions written, no referrals needed, no appointments made with other doctors in other buildings, just immediate action with results coming in tomorrow. It was fantastic!

He even told us that the phone should be our best friend and we should call him whenever we feel like it. We have NEVER had a doctor say that to us before! He said we could call him 10 times a day if we wanted to, and he would even answer the phone! No calling and having to talk to the nurse on call or leaving a message and never being called back. He even discussed, without being asked, the ethics on the fertility business and he just made us feel so reassured that their practice wasn't going to treat us like lab rats so that they could charge us and our insurance as much as they could get away with. We are going to identify the problem in the quickest and most cost effective way and then (hopefully) remedy the problem in the quickest and most cost effective way. We are a team with a plan now!

Today was just a really a good day, and hopefully this feeling will stay with me for a while because I haven't felt this good in 11 months.

PS: While I was proof reading this post I got a call with my blood work results showing that I had not ovulated yet. I got that done like 2 hours ago! AMAZING!

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

So tomorrow is the big day! I cannot express how nervous and excited I am for our appointment with our local superstar reproductive endocrinologist. I have really high expectations and so does my husband and after so much let down I don't know what we are going to do if this group of doctors doesn't meet them. I know I've said before about how bounced around we were feeling about our earlier experience and we are just so ready for someone to take us and coddle us and just make everything all better. Ah, wishful thinking.

It does sound kind of funny, but it is like we are looking for a fertility fairy godmother. Not only do we want results, and quickly too of course, but we want to be handled with care as well. I just want someone to be nice to me and treat me as if they were treating a friend with fertility problems. I don't want to be just another statistic for the specialist group. This may be too much to ask, but it doesn't hurt! The whole process of assisted fertility seems to becoming such a lucrative business to be in; if people have the means they will pay anything to have children. I just hope that they recognize that yes, we'll pay as much as we can but we are still people with feelings at the end of the day.

Too much TV...

I cannot stop watching every show that I can get my hands on about pregnant women on TV. The discovery health channel is punishing me with it's line up of "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant," "A Baby Story," and "Bringing Home Baby," plus specials on people who have had multiples or just crazy things that happen like this 75 year-old middle eastern woman who had a 45 year-old calcified fetus in her abdomen and I am the freak who can't get enough!

I said to my husband yesterday, "I've got to stop watching this stuff!" And he just looked at me like, DUH! I can't help it though! Plus I can get such an emotional reaction to some of the stories, case in point there is a show called "Pregnant and Addicted." I would highly recommend NOT watching that if you are struggling with fertility issues because all it did was piss me off. This poor woman who was previously addicted to heroin, found herself pregnant (with her SECOND child) while in the beginning stages of her methadone treatment and doctors recommended staying on the methadone as withdraw symptoms can cause spontaneous abortion and other just as terrible things. But staying on the methadone is only the lesser of the two evils and the baby could still be born with some pretty serious developmental problems and most likely addicted to the methadone like the mother so the baby would have to go through terrible withdraw symptoms that can last up to a month. And all I did was sit there and think to myself how unfair the world is. I just want one baby that I could provide a great home for and this woman has two children unintentionally and is struggling to care for either of them. Sitting there full of jealousy, anger at the world and anger at my body just made me disgusted with myself for feeling that way. I know I am only human and I know I am doing my best with our situation but sometimes my best is pretty embarrassing.

Soy and estrogen...

I just read that soy affects a women's body similar to estrogen and can make it difficult for sperm to swim to the egg. Of course I got this off the internet from something a non-doctor wrote so who knows if it is true but I am certainly finding it interesting.

Because of the hair loss issue that I am having, I decided to do a little adding and subtracting to my diet to help stimulate my thyroid and soy was one of the things that you should cut out. I just find it so fascinating because soy is in EVERYTHING! "They" use it as a filler to replace actual food substances in human food and dog food, and probably cat food but I don't know since I'm not a cat person.

When our dog got cancer, soy was one of the things we cut out of her diet as well. Her brand name dog food that she was eating was mostly soy! Our vet recommended that we chose a food in which the first two ingredients are meat and we did. And she was much healthier for it. I just want to eat fresh, non-genetically altered, pesticide, preservative, and hormone free healthy food, and I need it to not be so damn expensive! I get it that it is cheaper to make food that has been is altered to grow bigger, be resistant to disease, and last longer on the shelves but I am having trouble getting pregnant over here people! I need my body to be as healthy as it possible can be and I need to be saving money so we can afford pay for our visits to the specialists!