My husband had guys trip with his man friends this past weekend. They drove out to the middle of nowhere, pitched their tents, made a campfire, had a cookout, showered in a lake, rode ATVs, and pooped in the woods. Guess what their conversation turned to at the end of the night before the men folks all retired to their tents, yup, kids. Way to be manly, dudes. But seriously now, they had a real heart to heart man style about having children.
There were three men out there and all three are married. One guy wants to have children now, but his wife doesn't want to and doesn't feel that she'll ever want to have kids, I know what you are thinking but she was very clear with him before they got married. One guy was married a year or two before my husband and I and they are just about to start trying but his wife has to pass a battery of tests first because she had a small heart condition as a child. And then one guy is my husband, and you all know our story. Now my husband was recounting this whole story to me and he summed it up with telling me about the guy whose wife had the heart condition. He said that he wants kids but if his wife doesn't get the all clear and they cannot have them then that would be okay too. Then my husband said to me, "I'd be really upset if we couldn't have kids." To which I said, "I wish that you said you'd be okay if we couldn't have kids." To which he said, "You want me to lie?" To which I said, "Yes, I absolutely want you to lie."
I was just teasing my husband when I told him I want him to lie to me, and I said it with a smile, but I do wish that it would be okay with him if we were unable to have our own children. It is not okay with me in the slightest, I want kids that come from our DNA and if we can't then I will be devastated, but I am open to other options. I don't think that my husband is open to other options though and that is what worries me. I would consider egg donors, surrogacy or adoption and I don't think he would consider any of them. We have had light discussions on all of those options, and he just isn't sure. He wants a baby that came from us and that I carried, not typically a tall order so I can't help but think that if he hadn't married me then he would have some beautiful babies by now. We've talked about it and of course he says he would have married me no matter what, but I still struggle with those nagging feelings of everything being my fault. Since, technically, everything is my fault because the fertility problem is mine, I think I'll struggle with those feelings until I get pregnant. If I get pregnant.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
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2 comments:
Whoa are we cut from the same cloth..or at least going through the exact same thing. My husband is the SAME way! We talk about our other options if we cant have children of our own and he is hesitant and says i dont know, then it turns heated so we avoid it all. I used to think maybe God is putting us through this because he knows we are strong enough to adopt and it takes special ppl to adopt...but now I am not so sure and I hope we didnt "trick" God! But I understand your point here. I also feel like, we know its all me that is the problem and he did not sign up for this crap so I feel guilty (even though he tells me not to all the time) that I can not provide for him like all his friends wives are. It is a scary and frustrating feeling that is for sure!
KB
I have thought those same things so many times! I talked about adopting with my husband even before we started trying to have a baby and it was just never something he was all that interested in. Our husbands can tell us they don't care and love us anyway a million times a day, it is still impossible to not feel guilty.
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