I've realized that part of the reason I was feeling so crappy before was because we have to do the IUI now. At this point it has been over a year since we've been trying and last month just doing the clomid and timing sex right for once didn't work, it is time to move on. My husband and I decided in the beginning of seeing the fertility doctors that we were just going to go for it. We decided that whatever the doctors suggested is what we would do and if they say IUI, then we do IUI. I was just really hoping that we would get pregnant right before we got to that point and we wouldn't have to go down that road. Wishful thinking.
Now that we are officially not able to do this on our own, it just brings up all those mixed emotions of feeling like you let your spouse down. For me, that has definitely been my biggest hang up. I just cannot stop feeling like a poor choice for a wife, even though my husband reassures me ALL THE TIME, and even if we knew before getting married we would have gotten married anyway. I'm just tired of not getting to be the one to announce that I'm having a baby. Most of our friends have had two kids by now! I need to stop comparing me to other women, but that just feels so impossible. I've spent my whole life comparing myself to others and seeing how I measure up, everyone has, it is human nature. But right now I'm not measuring up and I'm having a very hard time dealing with that. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, I'm just to exhausted to figure it out right now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
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2 comments:
Oh I so can relate. It is so hard. The other day our pregnant friend staying with us said something to effect that the pregnancy has brought them closer and stronger and i broke down crying to Chris thinking that we will never have that experience. And then I see him with our neighbor kids and always think that I may not ever give him that. Just like yours he reassures me I am wrong, but it is hard. And it is hard to not be envious of pregnant people...everyone seems to be these days. Even people that were not trying.just not fair! I have really been struggling with it lately. And to top it off, I had to give the HCG shot twice this month, once before ovulation and once after...my boobs are huge and so sore and I am so bloated taht none of my pants fit and i look pregnant..so much so 2 ppl at work asked me. I wouldnt mind it if i was but it is just side effects. GRR! Check out these websites
http://www.fertilitycommunity.com/fertility/50-the-infertile-patients-prayer-and-infertility-defined.html
http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/Fertility-Prayer.html
You may have to cut and paste..but they are great..tear jerking but I now keep them by my bed side
~KB
Those websites are WONDERFUL! I'll put up links so that everyone can see them! And this is why you should never ever ask someone if they are pregnant! Common sense people!
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