The land of implantation...

Ok, so this has officially been the SLOWEST week ever! Not only has it simply taken forever just to get to Wednesday, last week my dog took one little bite on the power cord to my computer when I wasn't watching her for two seconds and of course it was ruined so I wasn't even been able to get online until my new cord came in the mail today! So, finally I'm back in business!

Now, since I have been trying to occupy my brain so that I don't think too much about how slowly the time is passing, I realized that the busier my hands are the less my brain thinks about it. The problem is that I have to go to sleep sometime and that is when I my mind gets the better of me. All day long I can get myself nice and busy and then lose my mind in whatever menial task that I'm doing, but as soon as I lay my head on my pillow I immediately start fantasizing about what fun way I'm going to tell my husband I'm pregnant or going on a shopping spree at babies r us. I'll know for sure about this time next week if this month was a bust or not. The lab my blood work gets sent out to doesn't have the best turn around so even though my test is Friday I probably won't know until around Tuesday.

This month I know that I released an egg, and I know that we got at least some sperm up there on time so I feel like we had a good shot this month but I'm worried that the egg didn't fertilize or maybe even more likely didn't implant. I don't feel pregnant and I don't feel not pregnant. I actually don't feel anything going on but I have no idea when I'm going to get my period. It was pretty late last month so if this month is like last month than technically I am right on schedule. I'm just hoping that I get my period soon, I'd really like to already know the answer when the nurse calls to tell me the result. As usual, probably wishful thinking.

Lack of feelings...

I feel like I have nothing interesting going on to tell you all about lately! Everything is now on such regimented schedule and it is going to be the same each month, which is great for my sanity but it doesn't make for much blog material! You all know I had the IUI done last Friday, and I go in for a blood test this Friday to double check that all my hormone levels are where they should be and then I go in for the pregnancy blood test the Friday after that. I'm going to stay on the clomid, even though I didn't have that great of results on it this month and I am pretty sure that I'm having some small side effects from it. It is weird, I assumed that if I were going to have side effects I would get them while I was actually taking the clomid but I guess since it just changes my hormones I seem to get side effects after I ovulate. This month and last month I have been getting hot flashes, teeny tiny little pimples all over my forehead, and I just feel really sleepy. Of course the tiredness is probably more related to the fact that I can't sleep through the night anymore because I'm hot - cold - hot - cold all night long! But I don't seem to get super moody anymore and my period was practically pain free last month so I'm thinking that the good cancels out the bad in my case. So all in all, it is just same old same old around here.

Well, there has been one change in me that is pretty significant...I've turned into an emotional robot when it comes to the infertility struggle. It is kind of sad but I think it is a necessary evil to get me through this time in my life. It is not that I don't care anymore about getting pregnant, I'm just kind of on auto pilot. I just put my head down and I'm plowing through the muck and I'm not looking up until I'm pregnant. I've stopped thinking about everything all the time and I am able to function on a normal level in my social and home life instead of being completely derailed all the time. The only thing is that I'm detached and cold about this, which is not my personality, and I didn't make a conscious decision to be this way either. I just kind of woke up one morning with a new outlook and a lack of emotions. It is getting me through though, so I'm not complaining...yet.

Big news...

Okay everybody, tomorrow is the big day! Tomorrow at 8:30 am I will be getting our first try at IUI! I know I haven't been updating you all very well as of late but there hasn't been much that has changed in a while fertility wise and my husband and I also made the life changing purchase of a 9 week old puppy so I've been a little distracted lately! I certainly would not recommend a puppy to everyone struggling with infertility, but after our old dog passed away it was lonely and depressing for me at home and I really needed somebody to replace that void. So, we decided to get a puppy and she is so much fun and requires so much attention that I haven't had time to dwell on our disaster situation of trying to have a baby. Don't get me wrong, it is not all rainbows and sunshine over here, she has peed all over our house, she barks at us to get us to play with her, she bites us instead of her chew toys, and cries when we put her in her crate but she likes to snuggle and sleeps on my lap all the time and follows us everywhere. I am totally putting all of my pent up maternal love into this dog but who cares?! It makes me feel good and the dog eats it up, and I'm doing my best not to spoil her rotten because we will need her to be well behaved when she's older but for right now she is absolutely my baby.

So that is our big news! That and the IUI tomorrow of course! I'm actually pretty nervous about it, mostly because I HATE the speculum (but really who doesn't?!) but I'm also panicking a little that they will inseminate me with the wrong sperm. I know the odds of that happening are a million to one, but it could happen. The other thing that I'm not thrilled about is the fact that I only had one follicle mature this month. I had a lot of little ones in both ovaries but only one 20 mm one in my right ovary. It is my right ovary's turn to ovulate but I'm bummed that it only has one follicle. I'm going to stick with the clomid though because I had better results on it last month when I had 3 mature follicles so hopefully we'll get those results again next month. Maybe my right ovary is just a little less productive than my left one. I am also a little disappointed in my one follicle because I can't help but feel that we would have a better shot at getting pregnant if I had more, but it only takes one sperm and one egg so I should really relax. Come on guys, just one sperm and one egg! You can do it! Fingers crossed!

Measuring up...

I've realized that part of the reason I was feeling so crappy before was because we have to do the IUI now. At this point it has been over a year since we've been trying and last month just doing the clomid and timing sex right for once didn't work, it is time to move on. My husband and I decided in the beginning of seeing the fertility doctors that we were just going to go for it. We decided that whatever the doctors suggested is what we would do and if they say IUI, then we do IUI. I was just really hoping that we would get pregnant right before we got to that point and we wouldn't have to go down that road. Wishful thinking.

Now that we are officially not able to do this on our own, it just brings up all those mixed emotions of feeling like you let your spouse down. For me, that has definitely been my biggest hang up. I just cannot stop feeling like a poor choice for a wife, even though my husband reassures me ALL THE TIME, and even if we knew before getting married we would have gotten married anyway. I'm just tired of not getting to be the one to announce that I'm having a baby. Most of our friends have had two kids by now! I need to stop comparing me to other women, but that just feels so impossible. I've spent my whole life comparing myself to others and seeing how I measure up, everyone has, it is human nature. But right now I'm not measuring up and I'm having a very hard time dealing with that. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, I'm just to exhausted to figure it out right now.

Where have I been...?!

Soooo...I've been MIA lately. I have no excuse, I just ran out of steam this month. Since my period was a day late, I kept hoping that the tests were all wrong and I really was pregnant. As usual no such luck, and I then just lost my momentum. The second I got my period, it was like I hit a wall. I didn't have the total meltdown that I've had in months past, but I just lost all my happy feelings. I hate it when I don't feel optimistic, but you can't fake it when it just isn't there and I didn't want to keep blogging about how crappy I was feeling. You don't want to read it, I don't want to write it and I think the more I feed into those crappy feelings the less inclined they are to go away. So, I took a little break and now I am feeling better.

We did start another cycle with our doctors this month. I just started taking the clomid yesterday, and then I go in on Monday for another little biopsy to check and make sure the bacteria that I had is gone and they will probably give me the trigger shot then. One thing is for sure, when working with the doctors the months really go fast. It might just feel like they do because I can give myself little milestone markers to check off as we go along, with the dates of ultrasounds and blood work and when to take the clomid and whatnot. Working with the doctors definitely helps me feel less isolated and alone which is nice as well. The best part about working with the doctors is that somehow there has been some sort of a miracle and my menstrual cramps were so light and manageable this month I almost passed out from shock rather than pain!

I honestly do not know what it is that is relieving the pain. It could be the prenatal vitamins because I did read that a combination of B vitamins can sometimes help alleviate cramps, it could be the clomid, or maybe even the antibiotic (to get rid of the bacteria) I guess. I hope that it is the prenatal vitamins, I would love to have a repeat of this months period next month. It was heavenly, I didn't miss a beat and I wasn't strapped to my heating pad for a week. So, at least I got a cramp free period bonus for not being pregnant, it really could have been worse!